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[10 Jan 2009|01:44am] |
I keep in touch with virtually no one (I say virtually because the random facebook wall post does not count) from college.
Occassionally I talk to Allyson or Megan, but they want to teach abroad.
But it makes me wonder, how did I spend my 4 years if the people I spent my days and nights with don't even shoot an fbook message telling me how they are.
I wish I could just figure out all the shitty things about me and change them, or fuck them...either of which would be fine. But I'm afraid there are too many shitty things.
It makes me just want to delete my facebook account and keep running. Not keep running because I don't know if I was ever running, but end up on a beach in Spain or the South of France and say...Temple what? Valley who? I'm too (self-mockingly Hemingway-esque) important and interesting to remember my life before 22.
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[02 Jan 2009|08:38pm] |
And after 5 years having passed, I still have to catch my breath when I hear from you. Maybe some things you don't move on from. Maybe it's not the thing I held on to, but that ever elusive possibility which has ruined a lot of things in my life.
How many people say possibilities ruined their life? Why am I so weird?
He was the last person who gave me butterflies. He still gives me butterflies. Even though someone else should give me butterflies. But like I said, I think it's the possibilities that do it. And you can't cozy up to a warm possibility under the covers, but you can cozy up to a sure thing. Right now, I'd rather feel safe than excited.
Sidenote: When I say possibility, I mean former possibility. Or the idea of possibility in general. But not a present here and now possibility. I just wanted to clear that up for the livejournal world, since I'm being so specific and everything.
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[01 Jan 2009|04:06pm] |
I just found out that someone I went to school with, who wasn't particularly nice to the fat girl in middle school has a receding hairline almost to the point of being bald at 22.
Guess what? All my fat moved to my boobs, but I don't know where your hair went.
Karma's a bitch.
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[20 Dec 2008|02:30am] |
4 months.
Who knew dysfunctional could be so...functional?
<3
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[14 Nov 2008|08:33pm] |
"Memories warm you up from the inside. But they also tear you apart."
-h.m.
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[30 Oct 2008|04:14pm] |
I think I have the AIDS. I'm always tired. Like always. Even when I don't do anything, and even when I do.
And I've got some sinus throat thing happening.
Either that or mono. Hope it's mono. AIDS would suck. Although the health care in this country rules.
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[24 Oct 2008|08:28pm] |
Life has completely defeated me today.
I retreat from the battle with my head hanging.
I just can't seem to do anything right today. I can't even soldier on.
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[16 Oct 2008|11:36am] |
I have the internet. I have the internet. I have the internet.I have the internet. I have the internet. I have the internet.
For real.
Not some stolen wireless.
Oh my God, I love the internet.
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[07 Oct 2008|06:25pm] |
It's been over a month since I've written in this thing. Almost two.
Of course I pick the day I'm eeeeming out to write in it. I have a lot on my mind. I really wish I had the internet at my apartment.
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[02 Sep 2008|04:13pm] |
So I guess yesterday was Labor Day?
I totally forgot. I spend most of my time with a Canadian, and the internet at my apartment isn't working. It's weird. How easily national holidays are forgotten.
It's also weird to hear about everyone going to school, or back to school. On Graduation Day, being an alum didn't hit me. I figured it would when the end of August rolled around and everyone was going back to school and I wasn't. But when I read about school starting again on everyone's Facebook pages, I just thought "Oh yeah, people go to college."
I guess it's just weird to me that I can fall into a routine here, so completely removed from how I measured my life in America. And how normal it feels. Now Labor Day sounds weird to me. People being in college sounds weird, it just makes me feel old. I try to imagine my friends at Temple, sitting in the Atrium, auditioning for the season, taking classes in Barton...and I'm so glad I'm not there anymore. I don't even understand how they can do that day in and day out.
So, like everything in life, there is an upside and a down side. Upside - I feel normal, and settled, and like I have a life. But did this normalcy occur at the cost of my American life?
Can I imagine a restaurant without metal chopsticks and kimchi? Can I imagine a city with expensive taxis, not adding an "eee" sound at the end of everything I say, not bowing when I'm thankful, not taking my shoes off when I enter someone's home, not buying soju in the grocery store, no Paris Baguettes, and no temples? Yeah I guess I could. But after just a month and a half, it's getting hard. And it scares me, like everything else in life.
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| Hello lamp post, |
[01 Sep 2008|02:57pm] |
whatcha knowin'?
It's been quite a while (by livejournal standards), since I've last posted.
But usually the absence of posting means the goodness of real life, which is what's happening.
+ soft ball
+ family dinners
+ korean wine
+ good people
+ a couch
++++++ working 24 hours a week and getting paid for 30
- i still have to work
Woah, only one minus. Yeah, my life's pretty good.
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| Don't misread the signs, if you turn the key then things will turn out fine... |
[22 Aug 2008|12:21am] |
you're pushing me you're breaking
over taking me you're racing
first placing me not chasing me back home
don't let me down
I'm going to be very rational about this. Very rational, very mature. Very rational, and very secure in myself. I will not jump to conclusions. No jumping to conclusions, no doubt. No jumping to conclusions, no thinking in general. I will not think, because I put myself through crap. I just want...I don't know what I want. But I know what I don't want.
Things could go back to the way they were. But they either need to change, or go back. They can't just sometimes be the way it was, and then sometimes be different. I don't do stuff like that.
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| Entry spamming... |
[18 Aug 2008|01:28pm] |
I know it's a little ridiculous, writing in this thing so often. But I just need to put it out somewhere and know that it's there, not just in my head.
"AUGH! I feel like I'm running and moving and doing all these great things - but when i stop and look around, im in the same god damn place as i was yesterday, last week, last year, last decade...and thats what kills the most."
That is a quote, from me, written on my Dead Journal on January 22nd, 2003.
Five and a half years ago.
What happened to that girl? I read that post, and I feel exactly the same way. But the righteous frustration is gone. I am resigned. I read it, and found comfort in feeling the same way, how fucking sick is that? It's also kind of ironic I guess. What happened to that girl, where did she go? Where did that fire under my ass go? I mean I'm in South Korea so there's still some fire left but come on. I'm just so apathetic now.
Going back and reading my Dead Journal was probably a bad idea. So that means I'll just do it more and dwell. Because I am a dweller.
"Death is no big deal because life is just...blah blah blah. Look, Silas, life is just blah blah blah.
You hope for blah,
and sometimes you find it.
But mostly it's blah and waiting for blah.
And hoping you were right about the blahs you made.
And then just when you think
you have the whole blah damn thing figured out,
and your'e surrounded by the ones you blah,
death shows up and...
blah blah blah."
- El Andy The Book of Weeds Chapter 4 Verse 7.
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| I am the table. |
[18 Aug 2008|09:46am] |
I killed a huge bug in my bathroom last night. It was bigger than a quarter, kind of looked like a cockroach, but it had some cricket-y looking parts to it. I'm thinking crockroach. I didn't want to get too close to it, so I poured dish soap on it until it stopped moving. But I couldn't get rid of it. It was late, I was tired, and it was so big I didn't want to touch it in squishy dish soap. So I left it there. Then when I got up this morning, I left the door to my bathroom open because I didn't want to be alone with the crockroach. It's still there. I have to work 12 hours today, and I refused to start my day by letting a crockroach rest in peace in my trash.
However, I also didn't want to start my day the way it started anyway. And I sort of feel like an asshole, which is nothing new I am one, but for different reasons. And the worst part is, it's my feelings that are making me an asshole. No one forced me, or coerced me into it, my feelings make me an asshole.
Ugh. I'm dreading today.
When I get home, I'm going to pour myself a large glass of wine, and bury the crockroach. Unless I can get someone to do it for me. Then I'll pour two large glasses of wine, and watch the crockroach get buried.
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| New Life Motto. |
[17 Aug 2008|04:28pm] |
WWNBD?
What Would Nancy Botwin Do?
That's how I've decided to start living my life. I think it's going to work out.
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| Dear Journal, |
[16 Aug 2008|05:30pm] |
I think everyone at my work establishment is boring because they're old. And by old, I mean all over 25. But then, I think of Mariane's Mike...he's over 25 and not lame. I just hope when I get old (aka 25), that I'm not lame by then.
Love,
Mary Rose
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| I got 21000 things that I gotta do today.... |
[15 Aug 2008|11:12pm] |
21st century life!
Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays are bittersweet. Bitter because I have to work early (ick), but sweet because I cab to work with someone I like a lot. My favorite part of my day is walking into school with this person. Just literally the 5 seconds we walk through the front door together. I can't explain it.
And then 30 minutes later my little shitheads make it my least favorite time of day.
Some random person friended me on Myspace today. It happens a lot because it's mostly people in the Army friending everyone in Korea because they're stationed there, and I'll at least give the person the benefit of the doubt because who knows? maybe we'll get along and the more people to know here the better.
However this particular person...is an idiot. His page was so stupid, I legitimately got dumber looking at it for the .2 seconds before I closed the window out to prevent myself from having a brain aneurysm. This was his status update:
$$-$^*tHuG d00d*^$-$$ sezz erryTinG haPenzZ 4 Ah ReezIN...
Granted that wasn't verbatim since I am trying to repress that memory, but you get the gist.
My IQ dropped 5 points. I need to read more and then have a discussion about sexual relationships in Victorian England expressed through literature or something.
Sorry, I know it's arrogant and elitist, but I had to tell someone.
I hope I have plans tomorrow night <333
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[15 Aug 2008|01:09am] |
I had an underwear dance party today. Complete with cute underwear, White Zinfandel, cheese and crackers, and BANGIN tunes (namely G. Love and the Special Sauce).
Very few things were missing. However, there were some, and they are:
- someone else to dance in my underwear with
- a couch to dance on
Grammatical note: Does my participle dangle if I didn't split the infinitive? Is there a law for this?
I guess my grammar is missing too :(
If it was more than my washing machine what would you do?
Excuse me, I have to get back to being emo and classy (wine in a wine glass, not in a bottle...who knew it could be done?).
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[13 Aug 2008|02:34pm] |
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It's a self-preservation thing you see...
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[11 Aug 2008|09:14am] |
I'm eating a birthday muffin to celebrate. Really it's just a regular muffin that I happen to eat every Monday Wednesday, and Friday, but today it is a birthday muffin because today is my birthday.
Every year, when I know my birthday is coming up, I think that maybe this year my birthday will be different. Maybe I will like my birthday, maybe I will feel happy or celebratory. But then my birthday comes, and I still feel shitty and I realize that nothing ever changes. I know that hope is a good thing, that I can hope things will be different, but I don't know why I do because they never are.
But I think this year I've figured out why I hate my birthday so much. I think I hate my birthday because it's one more way to mark a year - that's all holidays really are. So you can think about the birthday, Christmas, Easter, Halloween or freaking Memorial Day before this one. And when you do, what's different? How have things changed? How am I supposed to mark my days? How should I measure them? Why don't I understand, why can't I find a way to mark time and measure my life that feels right, that feels good, that gives me peace?
That's why I don't like my birthday. Because I am one year older and no closer to knowing anything that really matters.
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bohemianpurple's journal